Glenn's been bugging me to post something, already, but I haven't really been inspired 'til now. I got an interesting piece of mail today, but before I dissect it, let me set the stage a bit.
(strongly held political views follow - YMMV)
I do not, by any stretch of the imagination, support the reelection (or the first-time election in 2004, if we want to get nitpicky) of George W. Bush. Seriously. Don't care for the man at all. I'm a long-time registered Democrat. Liberal. Proud of it. I think that the works of this administration to date have been exceedingly harmful for us as a nation, and the thought of another four years of the same IIC sends chills down my spine. Seriously. I backed Dean until he dropped out of the race, and have now thrown my support to Kerry.
Oh yeah - this is one of my favorite sites.
So anyway, today I got a letter from Mr. Ed Gillespie, Chairman of the RNC. What did I do to deserve this honor? Darned if I know! But the contents made me laugh (at them, not with them), so I thought I'd share.
My comments are italicized. Underlining for emphasis is entirely Mr. Gillespie's.
Received on 4/17: A Big Square Envelope, upon which the following legend appears: PRESIDENTIAL PHOTO ENCLOSED! DO NOT BEND!
Note: The U.S. Post Office had folded the envelope in half. Make of this what you will.
Inside, on RNC letterhead w/elephant, appears the following text:
"Dear Friend,
"As a fellow citizen who believes in President Bush and his agenda for a strong, prosperous America, I am honored to present you with the enclosed photograph.
Oh, no, Mr. Gillespie - I'm the one that's honored! Thank you so very, very much! Wow - you're a lot more polite to Democrats in letters than you seem to be on TV.
Note: The abovementioned enclosed photo is of Our Leader at his desk, on the phone, trying to look busy. He's creased across the chest, courtesy of my letter carrier.
"I hope you will display this personalized photograph of President Bush proudly as a symbol of your support for his positive vision of a better future for our country...
"It means a lot to me to know your photograph arrived in good condition, and is suitable for framing and display.
Boggle. I'm being asked to frame the President! Oh, you'd like that, wouldn't you, Gillespie? And just where would I display it? Hmm. Perhaps next to that ceramic blue dolphin clock that one of my roommate's kindergarten students gave her last Christmas...
"So please take a moment now to complete and sign the enclosed Confirmation Receipt and return it to me in the postage-paid envelope I've included.
"And when you send back your Confirmation Receipt, please include a contribution of $25, $35, $50, $100 or whatever you can afford, to become a Sustaining Member of the Republican National Committee (RNC).
Um, how about I send you nothing? I haven't been paid in six weeks. And why exactly do you need my signature as confirmation of receipt for a photo I didn't ask for? Just askin'.
"By joining the RNC, you are helping promote President Bush's compassionate conservative message in your community and elect more Republicans nationwide in 2004.
Which is exactly why you're not getting any of my money.
"Your support is critical! President Bush and the leaders of the Republican Congress still have much to accomplish.
That's what frightens me.
"Success will not be easy.
Not if I have anything to do with it, it won't.
"Our majorities in the U.S. House and Senate are dangerously thin -- and our opponents are tough and determined to stop the Bush/Republican agenda by reclaiming total control of the government this fall.
Well, I'd be happy to start by just getting rid of Dubya, to be honest.
"Yet the Democrates have not come up with an alternative agenda or economic plan, choosing instead to grandstand and level false charges.
Exsqueeze me? I notice you don't list those "false charges" of ours; are you referring to the the charge that the economy sucks? Or the one that the war in Iraq wasn't such a good idea? Or that other one, that our President apparantly wasn't all that interested in the pre-9/11 warnings he was getting?
"San Francisco liberal Nancy Pelosi (I hear she's the House Democratic Leader, too) and Senate Minority Leader Tom Daschle continue to push the Democrats' failed big government, freewheeling tax-and-spend policies.
Yes, it really says that.
"We must counter the Democrats by getting our message out past the liberal media echo chamber (the WHAT???) and to concerned citizens in communities across the country.
How concerned could they be if they haven't learned to read past bullshit like this?
"That's why the RNC must raise $4.1 million over the next three months to help advance our compassionate agenda and keep our vital preparations for victory in 2004 on track.
Just a suggestion, Mr. Gillespie - don't waste money on postage sending this sort of thing to registered Democrats.
"With your generous support and that of other grassroots activists, I am confident we will meet this goal.
Grassroots activist? Moi? I was a Dean Meetup participant, and I gave money to both Dean's and Kerry's campaigns. Otherwise, I haven't been associated with any other "grassroots" organizations. Could someone at the RNC have gotten their hot little elephant paws on the Dean Meetup lists?
"So please return your signed Confirmation Receipt Form today along with a contribution of $25, $35, $50, $100 or more to join the RNC and do your part to support President Bush's agenda and the Republican Party's 2004 election year programs.
Or not. And why do you want me to sign this form???
"I hope you will display your photo of President Bush proudly, not only as a token of appreciation for your contribution to our Party's success, but also as a reminder of what we are still working to achieve.
I was thinking dart board. And I know what you're trying to achieve, Mr. Gillespie. But you won't.
"Sincerely, Ed Gillespie.
"P.S. President Bush is counting on grassroots leaders like you (again with the grassroots leader thing?) to help guide our country to a better day. Please return your Confirmation Report (he doesn't mention signing it this time) with a contribution of $25, $35, $50, $100 or whatever you can afford (yeah, you mentioned that already) to become a member of the RNC and help effectively promote the President's compassionate conservative agenda and build winning GOP campaigns across the country. Thank you."
This is a very interesting letter. These guys are obviously aniticipating a really close fight come November. They already have a huge amount of money socked away, but they want an additional $4 million in the next three months - by July. What's happenening in July? The 9/11 Commission is scheduled to release its report, though it will have to be "vetted" by the White House before any of us get to see it. Hmm. Projected damage control funds?
They're also obviously not checking just who they're sending this stuff out to. Smacks of desperation. But I really do want to know how they got my name.